on crime prevention

South Africa just released its annual crime report. The good news: the murder rate has fallen 3.4%. The bad news: business and home robberies are up by 41.5% and 27.3% respectively, and car hijackings are up 5%. The Washington Post, ever astute, observes that, “Many observers and opposition parties are not convinced the government is winning the war against crime.” In light of this groundbreaking revelation, I’d like to share a story.

A couple of weeks ago, my friends and I drove to a Congolese restaurant in a neighborhood that’s a little dodgier than the ones we usually frequent. After dinner, we came back to see that one of the car’s back windows had been smashed and the backseat had been pried apart from the body of the car. The car wouldn’t start, and we assumed that whoever broke into the car had tried to dismantle the alarm system. So we called Rent-A-Wreck, they assured us that a new wreck was on the way and we went to wait at the Nando’s fast-food restaurant across the street.

While waiting, we debated whether or not to file a police report. It turned out that there was a policeman in line at the Nando’s, so one of my friends went over to talk to him. The conversation went something like this:

Friend: Our car was broken into across the street. Can you help?

Policeman: No. I’m on my way to an urgent call.

Friend: You’re ordering fried chicken at Nando’s.

Policeman: Yes. I’m very busy right now.

Needless to say, we did not file a police report. We did, however, receive service from a very nice Rent-A-Wreck employee who brought us a bright red car in exchange for our old white one. He also discovered that the car wouldn’t start because the battery had been stolen. Along with the spare tire. I didn’t even know we had a spare tire to steal.

At any rate, this incident suggests that there is a direct correlation between amount of chicken and amount of police service. The more fried chicken available, the less police available to do things like stop crime. Thus, I would like to make the following recommendation to the South African Police Service: rid the country of fried chicken. A decrease in the amount of chicken would lead to an increase in the amount of police service, which would lead to less crime overall and burnish the rocky path to the 2010 World Cup. Brilliant.